The Curse of Loving Someone Who Hurts You

Lilith Silverthorne

The hour is late. The candles are burning. And tonight, we’re going to talk about the kind of love that feels like a spell… until you realize you’re the one standing inside the circle. Welcome back to The Witching Hour. I’m Lilith Silverthorne. And tonight, we’re talking about the curse of loving someone who keeps hurting you.

Oliver Hart

That’s a heavy subject for episode two.

Lilith Silverthorne

I never said this podcast was going to be emotionally safe.

Oliver Hart

I think emotionally honest is probably the better description.

Lilith Silverthorne

I’ll accept that. Although I’m fairly certain we’re about to make somebody stare dramatically out of a rainy window.

Oliver Hart

Somebody?

Lilith Silverthorne

Probably me.

Oliver Hart

Fair enough. So let’s start with the obvious question. Why do people stay?

Lilith Silverthorne

Because love doesn’t disappear simply because someone hurts you. That’s the first uncomfortable truth. People like simple answers. “They treated you badly. Leave.” As if the human heart is a light switch. It isn’t. You can know someone is hurting you… and still love them. You can know they’re wrong for you… and still miss them.

Lilith Silverthorne

You can know you deserve better… and still wish they would become the person you believed they could be.

Oliver Hart

So love can actually keep us attached to something we know is damaging.

Lilith Silverthorne

Absolutely. But I think there’s something deeper happening. Sometimes we aren’t addicted to the person. We’re addicted to the possibility of the person.

Oliver Hart

Explain that.

Lilith Silverthorne

You fall in love with who they were. Then you fall in love with who they could be. Then you spend years trying to get back to who they were… or waiting for them to become who you imagined. And suddenly you’re no longer in a relationship with the person standing in front of you. You’re in a relationship with a memory.

Oliver Hart

That’s painfully accurate.

Lilith Silverthorne

And memories are dangerous. Because memories don’t argue with you. They don’t betray you. They don’t lie. They only show you the beautiful parts.

Oliver Hart

Which makes it easier to forget the ugly parts.

Lilith Silverthorne

Exactly. You’ll remember the night they held you. But forget the hundred nights they made you cry. You’ll remember the apology. But forget what required the apology. You’ll remember the first kiss. But forget the thousand little ways they slowly taught you not to trust them.

Lilith Silverthorne

You called this episode The Curse of Loving Someone Who Keeps Hurting You. Why “curse”?

Lilith Silverthorne

Because sometimes love begins to resemble enchantment. You know something isn’t right. You know you’re losing yourself. And yet… you keep returning.

Oliver Hart

Almost like you’re under a spell.

Lilith Silverthorne

Yes. But here’s where I’ll challenge the metaphor. Sometimes we blame the spell when the real problem is the hope. Hope can become incredibly powerful. It whispers: “Maybe this time.” “Maybe they’ll change.” “Maybe they finally understand.” “Maybe if I love harder…”

Oliver Hart

“Maybe if I explain myself better.”

Lilith Silverthorne

Exactly. “Maybe if I’m more patient.” “Maybe if I’m less emotional.” “Maybe if I stop asking questions.” “Maybe if I become easier to love.” And that’s where the curse becomes dangerous. Because you start believing their behavior is a reflection of your worth.

Oliver Hart

When really, it’s a reflection of their choices.

Lilith Silverthorne

Correct. Someone else’s inability to love you properly doesn’t make you unlovable. Their dishonesty doesn’t make you stupid for trusting them. Their betrayal doesn’t mean you deserved betrayal. Their inability to appreciate you doesn’t mean you weren’t valuable.

Oliver Hart

But sometimes people do make mistakes.

Lilith Silverthorne

Of course. Nobody is perfect. That’s not the standard. The question isn’t: “Did they ever hurt me?” Everyone hurts people sometimes. The question is: What did they do after they hurt you? Did they take responsibility? Did they change? Did they repair the damage? Did their actions eventually match their words? Or did they simply become better at apologizing?

Oliver Hart

That’s a nasty distinction.

Lilith Silverthorne

Necessary, though. Because an apology without changed behavior can become another form of manipulation.

Oliver Hart

There’s another theme you’ve written about repeatedly. The idea of someone being gone… even while they’re physically there.

Lilith Silverthorne

Yes. That one cuts deep. Because there’s something uniquely painful about being lonely beside someone.

Oliver Hart

That’s worse than being alone sometimes.

Lilith Silverthorne

Much worse. When you’re alone, you know you’re alone. But when someone is lying beside you and you feel completely abandoned… you start questioning reality. You think: “How can I feel this lonely when someone is right here?”

Oliver Hart

And eventually you stop asking them to come closer.

Lilith Silverthorne

Yes. You stop reaching. You stop explaining. You stop trying to bridge the distance. And one day you realize… you’ve already started grieving them.

Oliver Hart

While they’re still sitting next to you.

Lilith Silverthorne

Exactly. That’s the living ghost. And I wrote about it. You are here, but you are gone. Your body sleeps beside me, but your heart has moved somewhere I cannot follow. I speak, and you hear only silence. I touch you, and find a stranger. How strange to mourn someone who still breathes. How cruel to share a bed with the ghost of the person you loved.

Oliver Hart

That’s the kind of poem people listen to twice.

Lilith Silverthorne

Because somebody somewhere is living it.

Oliver Hart

Maybe they’re listening right now.

Lilith Silverthorne

Then I hope they hear this part. You aren’t crazy for noticing the distance. You aren’t needy because you want affection. You aren’t unreasonable because you want honesty. And you aren’t asking for too much simply because the person you’re asking can’t—or won’t—give it.

Oliver Hart

Let’s talk about something uncomfortable. When does staying become self-abandonment?

Lilith Silverthorne

When keeping the relationship requires you to continuously betray yourself.

Oliver Hart

Give me examples.

Lilith Silverthorne

When you stop speaking because you’re afraid of their reaction. When you stop expressing your needs because they’re inconvenient. When you forgive things you haven’t actually healed from. When you accept disrespect because you’re afraid being alone would hurt more. When you constantly make excuses for behavior you would never accept from someone else. When you become smaller so they don’t feel threatened by your strength.

Oliver Hart

That’s a powerful one.

Lilith Silverthorne

And there’s another. When you spend more time trying to convince yourself that you’re happy… than actually being happy.

Oliver Hart

Ouch.

Lilith Silverthorne

Sometimes the most frightening question isn’t: “Do they love me?” It’s: “Who am I becoming while I love them?”

Oliver Hart

That’s the question.

Lilith Silverthorne

Because love should change you. But it shouldn’t erase you.

Oliver Hart

What about betrayal? Why does betrayal hurt differently?

Lilith Silverthorne

Because betrayal doesn’t simply break your heart. It breaks your understanding of the relationship. You thought you knew the rules. You thought you knew who was standing beside you. Then suddenly the person who was supposed to be your safe place becomes the source of the danger.

Oliver Hart

And then you start questioning everything.

Lilith Silverthorne

Everything. “Was any of it real?” “Did they ever love me?” “How long were they lying?” “Was I the only one taking this seriously?”

Oliver Hart

And there’s no satisfying answer to some of those questions.

Lilith Silverthorne

Exactly. That’s one of the hardest lessons. Sometimes closure isn’t information. Sometimes closure is accepting that you’ll never know everything.

Oliver Hart

That’s difficult for someone who needs answers.

Lilith Silverthorne

It is. But obsessively searching for answers can become another prison. At some point you